It's Okay to Bleed
by kenihiko
Summary: gojyo's POV. 53 fic. disturbing imagery and thoughts. rated M


i do not own the character of this story.

sorry if it's choppy and disjointed. that's just the mood of the moment.

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It's okay to bleed

It's okay to bleed.

Why did he do it? Why did he bother to save me? I'm a worthless half-breed. Jien didn't have to kill mom like that. I would have died then she wouldn't be in any more pain. Sometimes bleeding is alright.

Being on my own sucks. I'm just a kid damn it. What the fuck do I know? Ok first I've got to find something to eat. God I'm starving, and I'm tired. Gotta find something to eat and a place to sleep. That's the first rule of survival. Right Jien?

Stupid big brother. Why the hell did he do that? I didn't ask to be saved. Mom would have been really happy if I was gone and it was just her and Jien. I don't really deserve to be alive. I wish he hadn't stopped her. Because sometimes bleeding is what is called for.

The time I spent alone with my bro was great. He taught me lots of cool stuff. Like how to fish and trap small animals. The basics of card games. He even let me have some beer sometimes and praised me on how well I held it. He was the greatest brother ever. But now…he killed her and told me to run because he was going to be leaving. Why couldn't I have gone with him? I understand why I couldn't stay there. The people of the village were always mean to me. And they would have assumed that I killed mom. But why couldn't I have gone with him.

I swipe at the dampness under my eyes. I'm not crying. Really I'm not. I'm just tired. And the cuts from mom's nails burn. I think that I'm still bleeding a bit. But that's ok. Bleeding is fine. I deserved it for being a dirty half breed bastard.

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I'm now several years older and have learned much in life.The best things that can be found are always in some bar. It never fails. Good food. Great drinks, good card games and all the women I can handle. It wasn't always that way though. It's kind of embarrassing to say but there were times the only way I could get by was by using the one thing that was unique just to me. My body. I had to survive somehow and whether it was pay or be paid my body never failed. I've sold my self countless times I guess there is good points to being a half breed. Some will always find it a novelty to have bedded one of the taboo children. I'm not really proud of this fact but it beats the fuck out of dying. Mom would have laughed her ass off at what I've done to survive.

Not that it started out well. But…well you know what happens on your first time. Everyone bleeds a little. And that's okay. That's the way life goes. But man I tell you there are times that I just want someone to hold me. To just lie in someone's arms and be still. I try not to think about it too much.

Truthfully I thought I had something like that once. But I just didn't pan out that way. Sure we could be together and cuddle and all but there was still something lacking. Until I met him.

Golden hair like molten sunshine. Eyes the color of royalty. Attitude that would make the devil cry. All nicely wrapped up in one killer package. Literally. He intruded rather rudely into my nice quiet life. Demanding that the one I had become comfortable with be turned over because he was a killer. God a feather could have pushed me over with that one.

When I didn't answer the way he wanted he started to beat the crap out of me. Damn why do I like it when someone makes me bleed? Not that I didn't pay him back. He bled so nicely too. Can you see this mom? Not everyone hates half breeds.

Being with him has given me more than I could have hoped for. And hey what do you know I even ran into my big brother. Only he's on the wrong team. Stupid older brother. I keep meaning to ask him why he did that all those years ago, but I never do. Maybe I really don't want to know. It wouldn't change anything. Besides I've got someone that makes me happy. So the past can stay where it is.

I feel mostly like a whole person with him. And we have some beautiful quiet moments together. Watching clouds float by on hot, lazy days. Or playing cards and other games of chance on occasion. But still there are times when things need to not be so gentle between us. And we do end up hurting each other. Sometimes that's a whole lot nicer.

It's okay to bleed sometimes.


End file.
